Saturday, August 10, 2013


Thank you for today. Thank you for every day. Thank you for taking me along with you, to run a common little errand. Countless other couples undoubtedly were driving around in their cars together at the precise moment we were, but how many of those couples had such a thrill from merely sitting together, in public? That little taste of freedom is addictive. You were in awe of it, as I was. Yes, breakfast together. How many times more will we be out ordering breakfast together in the long stretch of our future? How many small errands will we run together, our arms wrapped through each other's, our fingers laced together, enjoying the pleasure of each other's company? How many times will we contentedly take the long way, driving to prolong the moments of being together, driving to look at houses, take in scenery?

And it follows: how many times will we sit, stewing in irritation at the endless red lights, endless traffic, in a rush to get wherever it is oh so important to go? I hope to remember these little moments of pleasure while running with you from place to place.

It seems necessary for each moment of pure bliss to have a matching moment of something less than bliss. Let us make those moments of less than bliss just as important in our togetherness as the moments of pure happiness. Our journey together will definitely have its trials, just as it will have beautifully effortless moments. In an unexpected turn of events, I look back with happiness and humor at the minor moments of difficulty we have had, our little trials. Humor, because you can and have looked back with me and laughed over my flairs of temper, over your "passive aggressiveness." Happiness, because we have done well. When there has been tension between us, the love and respect for each other has still been entirely present. So yes, thank you, for showing me how much you love me even while neither of us are at our best. Each of our minor tiffs have shown me just how strong you and I can be together.

It's amazing to me that with you, the ordinary is something a little extra ordinary. Thank you.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013


Balmy, sunshiny days like today make me restless. The warmth is not the cause, nor is the actual sunshine itself, but the amalgamation of these things plus a pleasant breeze and fantastic cloud vistas definitely does the trick. Looking past the rose garden, the clouds were positively stunning - the weather is changing; rain and storm clouds were visible on the horizon.

Driving home I lost myself in thought. The breeze was delicious; it took me several blocks to realize that I had passed my destination and would need to turn back. This is driving weather. This is skipping the exit for the grocery store and motoring on until you discover a brown state parks sign you've never seen before kind of weather. Escape weather. Drive until we've crossed state lines weather. No plans weather.

Days like today require immersion in wild places. I feel a compelling need to drive until I find somewhere unknown to me, somewhere to throw me from my status quo, somewhere new.

Status quo. I cannot live the kind of life on which Americans waste their dreams. We are taught that working harder, working faster, working more is right; that it will get us somewhere. We are taught we always need more. More activities, more furniture, more shoes, more (and newer) electronics, more money. We are surrounded by a culture that praises operating in overdrive, that equates consumerism with happiness. When we finally stop and take a breath we have no idea from where our dissatisfaction stems. When we realize the brand of window cleaner we use won't matter a wit in the grand scheme of things, we may be farther ahead. For now, we do not know what to do with ourselves when there is no television, no computer, no phone with constant text messages. We are uncomfortable alone with our breath and no distraction from our thoughts.

I do not want my daily life to be wasted to achieve a "vacation." I left college because I became too wrapped up in other people's goals. The environment I was part of was about furthering research to earn your colleagues' esteem, about publishing to demonstrate your worth, about graduate school as a status symbol. Those are not my goals. Every one of those people had lost perspective - they no longer operated for the good of the people they were suppose to be helping. To publish, to establish unique independent research, requires eating and breathing your subject. No amount of esteem is worth that misery to me. The people with PTSD? Yes, it may (may!) help them in the end, but no one sees that. For now they are just cattle with numbered tags adorning their ears, just as they were cattle when they were shipped off to fight the wars that initially caused such trauma.

Back to here, back to now. Driving, daydreaming, I yearn for that one occupation that is a welcome part of my life. I yearn for some way to find the freedom I seek. I yearn to earn my living in a way that improves the lives of others.

Why do I feel an occupation I am at home with and my urge for spontaneity are connected? Is there an occupation available that indulges both my need for novelty and my compulsion to help people?

I want a modest, humble life. I don't ask for much. A place to live, adequate food, time to play and love, opportunities to create, the ability to provide for my family. Forget all the extraneous bits, they aren't needed. Back to the breeze, those stunning skyscapes. Back to driving weather.

Friday, April 19, 2013


Buddhist philosophy teaches that the darkest parts of ourselves should be embraced. Even though some of our feelings, desires, and worries are black, deep, destructive, difficult parts of ourselves, they still exist as parts of ourselves. We should not war with ourselves. Because these dark parts exist within us, they should be embraced, loved and dealt with by employing the same compassion we should work to show even our worst enemies. We should be reminding ourselves, in the midst of each deep, dark pain, that this emotion will pass, and it is ok to feel it. It is not reality.

I have been experiencing many dark moments lately; so many, and so frequently that I have worried that they are permanent and have started to experience them as my reality. I have fought them. I have picked up every weapon I possess to ward them off. I forgot the weapon of compassion. I forgot acceptance and love. My fighting has been in vain. I am trying to offer up the best of me to envelope the worst. I hope it works.

One of the thoughts I rely on most to get me through is that this period in our lives, regardless of the fact that it seems to drag out endlessly, is actually just a blink of an eye in terms of our life together. I struggle to remember that this part in our life together is a legitimate part of our life together. This is not a time period to wait in hopes to eventually achieve our togetherness. We are together NOW. Yes, ideally, things would be different. Yes, sometimes it is difficult. Yes, sometimes the irrational part of my mind forces itself to the forefront and is difficult to dislodge.

I cannot control the past. I cannot control the future. I can merely control my actions and behaviors and thoughts now. The facts remain. I have never experienced a love like this love. Every difficult minute of this in between time is worth it, and not every minute is difficult. So many of my moments with you, although short-lived if judged by standards of time, are moments that shine on beyond their physical happening.

To see a world in a grain of sand,
and heaven in a wild flower,
to hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
and eternity in an hour.
-William Blake

Our moments are "eternity in an hour." Our moments are my heaven. We have so much to see, my love. We have our hopes and dreams, and we have the reality of how our hopes and dreams will actually come to fruition. Anything worth our dreaming is worth our working. We can do the hard stuff together. I am so delighted to have found you, and I just hope you'll stick around through the work to live out the dream. 

Monday, April 8, 2013


I doubt you will find this as charming as I did, but your insecurity today warmed me to the core, and in turn washed away some of mine. Oh honey, you are so incredibly sweet. You know when I'm upset or pissed off and you really want to smile because you think my mannerisms are cute, but you hide it because you're afraid I might take off your head? That's about how I feel right now, like I should be hiding how sweet I thought it was that you worried about this dinner today.

It isn't that I find your concern amusing, and it isn't only that your worry is unfounded. What I find so darling is that I could tell something was bothering you a bit even though you were trying not to acknowledge it. What I find so darling is that you thought for a moment that I was being shady about my plans. I said today, and I'll say again, I am an open book to you. One of the most beautiful, enduring qualities we have together is the ability talk with each other without reservation. I can set aside my feelings to acknowledge yours, and you can do the same for me. This is our biggest triumph baby, our integral puzzle piece, the thing that will help us to stay together through all else.

You are always welcome to put into words what is on your mind. I will not think you silly. I will not judge you. I am your safe space. I am your acceptance. I am your love.

Our communication is what sets us apart. Our trust in each other, our openness, is what will prevent our bed from growing impossibly large. I know getting out what you needed to say wasn't easy, but I valued the faith in me you expressed by laying it out for me. Thank you.

Sunday, March 31, 2013


The book I am reading on Buddhist philosophy instructs that being fully present in the here and now leads to happiness. The book instructs the reader to let go of the past, and avoid dwelling on the future as there is so much to experience in every mindful moment. I generally agree with this advice, but right now, sitting in the backyard with the best kind of twilight glowing the trees, birds all atwitter, I cannot help but to think of the future.

I'm looking for hiding places for Easter eggs. Exposed places to tuck brightly colored eggs for eager baby hands to find, and slightly more challenging places for our little one that has already grown so much. A couple will be hidden really well, so we can play "hot and cold" to find them. I can just see our baby girl hauling around a stuffed bunny by its ear.

After we eat, we'll take a short walk or kick around a ball - anything to be out in this beautiful weather for just a little bit longer. Before too long it will be bedtime, time to wash up, time for a bedtime story with new stuffed bunnies and ducks tucked in the blankets with our children. A kiss for each baby, a kiss for the bunnies too, which I'm sure will make our babies giggle...

I can weave so very many stories of what our life will be like, and believing these futures to be true will make them happen. It isn't just magical thinking - reinforcing these goals keeps them present in our minds, makes us live in such a way that makes possible our dreams coming true. One of the things I look forward is looking back and comparing these blogs, when old, to our new, current life. What does our future hold?

We've already begun our journey. Sometimes I forget that and find it difficult to hold it present in my mind. Even the waiting and the hard bits we have to get through are part of our story, are part of our lives together. I value even this. I am grateful for even this.

Friday, March 29, 2013


You asked, "When are you going to write for me?" What you want baby, you get.

Do you know you deserve that kind of treatment? Do you know you deserve to have whatever it is you want? With all of the time you spend making sure others are taken care of, with all of the energy you pour out to ensure your job is done well, there is very little left over for you to draw upon to sustain yourself. 

Let me sustain you, my love. I feel an overwhelming need to care for you, to offer my support, to give you whatever it is you feel you need. I want to be there to kiss your eyes when you aren't feeling well, to rub your head when it aches, to be your rock when you need to vent out the frustrations of your day. 

I look forward to cooking for you, and although I will never look forward to laundry, I do like knowing that I can make it one less thing you have to worry about (most of the time). I am already thinking about the little things I can do to brighten your days when you need it most. I will care for you, my sweetheart, as I know you will care for me.

Saturday, March 23, 2013


I am not looking forward to spending the next week without you. I am a grown woman. I am a strong, capable, self-sufficient woman. I find it absolutely ridiculous that I struggle with this so much, as "strong" as I am. Life will continue without you here, but I am still busily plotting activities for each of my days in hopes that these activities will be enough to distract me from your absence.

In reality, how often do I truly see you? Most mornings I do, with an occasional glance or quick conversation later in the day, so why should it matter so much? It's not as if we are awash in time together. Our brief moments of contact are sustaining, though, because even a glimpse of the love in your eyes buoys my heart for a few hours. All those old clich├ęs hold true: your smile brightens my day, your kisses keep me going, etc. etc. Only, these things are true! I need you! This capable, self-sufficient woman needs you.

The beautiful thing is, I think you need me too. The strong, confident, capable woman YOU are needs me just as much as I need you.

In reality, we will be apart only a few days. We will survive the separation. We will call and text, and we will be all kinds of all over each other when our separation ends. We will be just that much more aware of what we have together. I will still miss your presence and cling so tightly to the little bits of you I have here now, but it will be alright.

You're going to be so busy, I know you're going to have a good time! You deserve it. You definitely do.


Wednesday, March 20, 2013


Love, love, love.

This morning I let out a pain I had been holding heavy in my heart and I bled it all out for you. I was worried about speaking those words aloud, afraid they would upset you. Do you know how wonderful you are? Do you know how touching it is when you remind me that our policy is forthright honesty regardless of how painful expressing it might be, regardless how painful receiving it may be?

Often you've made statements that bring joy to my heart, but some of my favorite things have been words from your mouth during tough times. You remind me that we will do the hard work together. You remind me that we will be honest about everything, despite the possibility of hurt feelings. You remind me that you are my partner in all things. It is so easy to love you in happy times baby. It's so easy to love you with that twinkle in your eye and the smile on your face. What is so much better is that my love for you only grows when we face hard things, when we face those negative emotions. When we have any little struggle, you remind me, "we are still learning each other," or "now we know for next time." The understanding behind these words is clear: we will work to take care of each other, regardless the circumstance. We will be by each other's side.

Our relationship will change and grow. Change is inevitable. Gradually, we will become used to each other. Gradually the newness will fade, but underneath the excitement for the new lies an already stable base of affection, love, and respect. I am so lucky.

Friday, March 8, 2013


You seemed so concerned today, when after you rocked my body with another soul-wrenching orgasm, I cried. Yes, when the orgasms are particularly good, when you tease and persuade and work my body to a slow-building torturous peak, I cry. Each second of your intense ministrations ratchets my emotions up higher right along with my climax.

You joked and said we need to stop having sex, as it always seems to make me cry. I want to straighten out the negative perception you seem to have about this big emotional release. I hope it isn't a turn off to you, because honey, it means nothing but good things to me.

I can count on one hand the number of times a previous lover has worked me to the point that I climaxed and cried. During the short time you and I have been intimate I can tell you that you've given me cry-worthy orgasms more often than not, and it has certainly been more than that small handful.

What I feel in that moment, after you've built me up and up and up, shattered the ground beneath me, and caught me on the way down, is nothing but pure contentment. When I sob and want you close, when the tears flood my face, I am feeling no pain; just beauty. It seems almost as if I have years of anger, hurt and pain built up in my nerve endings, like I have some sort of cellular memory time capsule holding all the old injuries. When you touch me, I yield to you. I trust you so completely. Some of the things you've done to me are only things that had been done out of anger in my past. Some of the things we have done together are things I would never allow any (ANY!) other person do to me. With you, these things are as easy as breathing because I know every second we are intimate together is about love and trust and mutual pleasure.

So yes, when you build me to a peak, each exquisite sensation intensifies until I cannot contain the pleasure you are creating. It spills over and with it all those old memories, all that old pain is washed away. You make me feel safe. You make me feel loved as I have never been loved before. You let me know it is ok to let it all go, and so I cry, and you hold me while I put myself back together. Call it sexual healing if you will. I don't mind playing doctor ;).


This morning you gave my body the attention it so desperately craves, but instead of soothing my yearning for you, you inflamed it. I woke with a roaring need to have your beautiful face again between my thighs. I need your fingers gently teasing, and then buried deep. I need your bewitching kisses. Even bending over the bathroom counter to better apply my makeup brought echoes of you behind me, working your hand into me. I ache for your touch. I ache to let you possess me.

I delight in your body's response to me. It drives me wild that pleasing me causes you to be so wet and ready. The brief touch I got of you was not enough. The pressing urge was to push you against the door, loosen your belt, and continue pushing my fingers into you until we both were covered in your juices.

Do you know how absolutely, undeniably sexy it is when you come in a wet, hot gush against me? Every time you do I feel a perfect shock of pleasure, every time you do I just want one more.
I remember back to when you first allowed me to touch you. You seemed so concerned that I would reject you, that I would find you unattractive in some way. You still hide from harsh light, still hurry to cover yourself. One day you will understand how attractive you are to me. One day you will see how I worship every inch of your body because it's you, because you are beautiful.

Our desire for each other, our inimitable chemistry, is just one tiny drop of why we are perfect for each other, but right now my body is craving your perfect touch.

Saturday, March 2, 2013


My sister recently said of me, "she spends her days mindfully." I puzzled over what she meant briefly, but then understood. Yesterday, I was mindful of every second. Instead of dwelling on a somewhat painful past, instead of building anxiety about possible outcomes for the future, I am focused on "here," on "now." You sharpen my focus, almost painfully so.

So yes, yesterday, I was mindful. I was aware of every scent and taste and word and smile and gesture and feeling of warmth. Every fleeting second is an indelible memory. I've recorded the feel of your back beneath my kneading hands, the faint scent of the lotion used on your skin, the gentle murmurs you make when the rub down feels particularly good. I am mindful of your presence.

Popping popcorn in your kitchen, minding the pan so the kernels wouldn't burn, I was nonetheless completely aware of you. Aware of the delicious heat emanating from you, aware of the love I felt between us, aware that at any point you were within my reach.

When I am with you, I live those moments. I am so wrapped up in the feel of us together, the rest of the world cannot intrude. If two people were meant to be, it's us, sweetheart.

Friday, February 22, 2013


I told you this morning that I spent the night with my arms wrapped around my pillow, remembering holding you just the day before. You pulled the covers aside, climbed into bed next to me, and rolled over so I could experience that beautiful thing all over again.

I struggle to express how blissful a feeling I felt, holding you. No, I never feel close enough to you either; never feel anything less than a desire, a need, an absolute yearning to have every inch of your skin pressed to mine. Laying naked beside you yesterday, my arm pressed close around your body, my legs crooked against yours...yes, that was bliss. I felt the heat of you against me, inhaled the scent of you, the warmth of you, in every breath. You relaxed against me and feel asleep, your breath becoming deeper and more rhythmic. Your slow breathing became quiet snoring, and even that was heavenly.

This simple act of falling asleep in my arms was a beautiful surrender, a yielding, an absolute trust. I ache for you in my arms again. I ache for the privilege of being your comfort while you sleep. I yearn to be next to you when you wake, to be the face you see, the lips you kiss, the body you hold so close.
So, tonight, I will dream my little dreams of you, knowing one day they will be our reality.

Sunday, February 17, 2013


I am subject to a very queer feeling, now and again, especially lately. I wonder, do my constant daydreams of you strengthen this effect? Do my musings about our possible futures together cause these strange phantom sensations?

I told you about the other night; told you about waking and reaching for you. That still shakes me, as we've never spent the night together. My body shouldn't rightly have a memory of waking and reaching for you. I should not have had such a strong realization of you next to me, of your scent, of your warmth, of every indicator of the essence of you.

Today, fully awake and bustling around the kitchen, I had another illusion of you. I was making breakfast, listening to music, trying yet again to pull my too loose pajama pants back where they should be, and I reached for the refrigerator door. With my hand wrapped around the handle, I had this illusion, thought, memory, (memory?!) of you seated behind me at that fantastic expanse of marble island. An idea of you sitting and talking with me when I almost burnt the toast, while I let the pan get too hot to cook the eggs properly.

This has become a regular occurrence in the last few days. Engaged in ordinary, everyday tasks I have the feeling (and it is a feeling!) of you beside me, with me.

I have such a queer feeling that we were meant for each other. Don't scoff. I have the distinct feeling that you are tangled in every one of the possible futures life has laid out. Like you are a woven thread in the spiderweb roadmap of my existence. No matter the life choices I make, the life choices you make; I feel our threads are entangled, wrapped around each other, braided. Yes, braided. Two threads braided together only produce a stronger thread. Plucked individually we sound distinct notes, but woven together and plucked...the new vibrations are boundless.

I love the music we're making already.

Saturday, February 16, 2013


I have really very few requirements for our house. It can be older or newer, and decorated any way you like. I like your decorating style, and I will certainly add my own personal touches as we go. If you'd like a fixer upper, I'd be willing to help you do the work. There are few items where compromise cannot be accepted though.

Here is my list of demands:

Windows! We must have a ton of natural light! There is nothing like opening up a curtain to let the morning brighten a room, and it puts me in a fantastic mood. The cat likes it too. A couple of skylights or solar tubes wouldn't be remiss, but aren't necessary.

Bookshelves. Stand alone or built in, it doesn't really matter, but I don't live somewhere until my books have a home. There's something so delightful about having knowledge at your fingertips. I also have amazing images in mind of our children picking books off the shelves for us to read together...

Counter space. I need room to create! I want a kitchen coated with flour, and I need a work surface. There has to be space for cookies cooling, icing mixing, decorating, etc. I also need enough room for you, me, and two small children to exist in the same space without stepping on each other (well, not too much, at least).

Growing room. I want the option to garden. I don't have much experience, but growing my own tomatoes for the first time made my heart sing. I want to be able to plant things, and I want our children thoroughly coated in dirt.

Those are the terms. I know it's an extensive list, but each item is required by the deadline or I will be forced to start taking hostages. (Don't tell, but the deadline is negotiable!) I expect full compliance.

We're building dreams together here sweetheart.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

O! That Gnome...

I wouldn't have it any other way. I know right now is a struggle, and there are many many things for both of us to overcome, but each and every one of those things contains a lesson and at the the end, if everything goes right, we will be together.

I know it seems silly, and I don't share this easily, but I have a set of "oracle" cards. I guess they are similar to tarot cards. They are leftover from my tattoo days, and I hang on to them because the artwork is beautiful. I do not for a second believe, as the author would suggest, that the spirit of fairy imbues these cards with significance, or that they could foretell a future. I do, however, use them as a source of introspection and I love them for their beauty and their positive message. It is so easy to look at these cards, to read their meanings, and to find what you feel within.

Silly or not, I drew a few cards the other day, needing a positive message. The first card was a card of initiation. The card carries the message that significant change and challenge are occurring in our lives, that the change has been coming for some time. It is a card of action, of responsibility, of initiation through testing limits. I feel tested, and I have no doubt there will be more to come...but it's a challenge I am more than willing and ready to accept.

The second card was a card of healing, and the third card was a card of auspicious beginnings...a card of growth. This last card is a beautiful image of a happy child, and it's meaning is all joy, hope and happiness. Something new and beautiful is growing, and it needs to be tended carefully. It is a card of dreams becoming reality.

Do you see how these beautiful concepts are so alluring?

Also drawn were a card about the "oughts" and "shoulds," and then my personal favorite....a card of creative chaos and breaking habits. This last card, a mischievous little gnome figure, is full of (reasonable) risk, finding opportunity in the unexpected, and thinking new thoughts--and having a blast while doing it.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

When, not if

Today you stopped me in my tracks. Today you said something I didn't expect, but have been desperately hoping to hear fall from your lips. You said "when."  I am slightly ashamed that I do not remember the end of your sentence, but I got the gist.

A couple of times previously you have uttered a statement that gave me pause for thought. Each time, I didn't read too much into it, because it could have been a slip, but baby, your slips are so telling.

I didn't tell you, never mentioned, but at one point, before we confessed our feelings to each other you told me, "I lover you." You said it just the way I've heard you say it to a friend of yours, and when I asked you what you said (as my mind hadn't caught up to my ears!), you covered it up. So telling. My heart soared then, and it soars now.

You said, "I can't wait for the day when..." and it ended with something very similar to, something very much like "when I don't have to miss you anymore," or "when I don't have to hide my love for you." Damn my memory for losing what you said, but my mind heard "when." I am taking the liberty to interpret that how I wish, and I don't believe my interpretation is wrong.

You should know, I am using you. I am using this wonderful feeling, this perfect love, to motivate me to work harder to be the person I want to be, so I will be the person I should be WHEN I finally get the chance to be with you, as I should be. Together, as we should be. The clarity is amazing.

I have never, never, been so sure of myself. I have never experienced this absolute feeling of right. (I checked with myself first to make sure this is true.) I have never had such a spot on feeling of lucidity. I know exactly what I want, and I know it will come. I have not a single doubt. Can you imagine that feeling? I hope so. Not a single doubt. Not one iota of worry, not a smidgen of hesitation, no misgivings. I know, emphatically know what should be, and if there is anything close to justice in this world, it will be. Sweetheart, it's a clear day and I can see for miles. Can you see?

Friday, January 25, 2013


I had such a marvelous couple of days with you, especially today. You are exactly what I have been seeking without any awareness of it. Because of the details of the situation I have had time to explore my emotions and not just rush headlong into them as is my usual wont.

You are intense and passionate, but loving and very sweet. We do click on many levels, and we click spectacularly on a sexual level. Lucky me. Have I ever been this engaged by a lover? Have I ever been so enraptured by each caress and nibble? I can't bring to mind any time I have been so present, any time the experience has been so pure...not clean, but distilled, concentrated, extracted to the basic bones of itself. What I think to do, I act upon, and so often my actions seem to be what you had wanted all along. Attuned. If I want to rub my cheek down the length of you back, inhaling your scent and biting gently...I do it. If I feel you want soft, then soft it is and every ounce of the love I feel for you is in my fingertips, tracing love-lines up the curve of your spine, swirling at your shoulder, and down down down your hip again. My love for you is on my lips, please take it, eat it up. My electric pulse beats the love I have for you, and you can soak it in, my chest pressed to your chest. Two violins. It is tough to leave the cocoon of your scent and warmth, but I carry it with me when I go.

No one tells you what love is like. No one prepares you for the multitude of emotions that come pouring down. Love is not one, it is many. Warmth, kindness, concern, empathy, desire, strength, will, attachment, need, respect, fondness, passion, joy, "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for." Profound. Yes. Do you know the deep of feeling I have for you?

Time and again I have affirmed to others, "Yes this is different, yes this is lasting." I have affirmed to those in my past who have asked, never once fully believing it myself, but always keeping my concerns buried. I don't know what makes love last to an 80th anniversary. I have told others things to keep them calm, reassured, never fully believing my words. There has always existed a certain amount of dissonance.

I do not feel dissonance with you. What I feel, I say, knowing you can handle the answers to the questions you ask. I have no idea how this well end, but as with the rest of life, the enjoyment is in the journey. Thank you for this journey.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


It's too much, the contentment I feel wrapped in your arms. Too much, the happiness I feel just seeing you in passing. That blissful smile of yours when you first see me after a long absence, that smile warms me to the core. I feel this overwhelming sense that everything is as it should be when I am with you.

I have so many beautiful memories to return to, so many pleasant images.
I cannot remove the glimpses of you from my brain. Each of your sighs and movements, each of your cries, each of your ecstasies - each left an indelible mark on me. I am drugged by your incomparable scent, unable to resist the draw of your arms, although I would never offer any resistance. 

One of my favorite memories, the one the evokes the most in me, is an image. You are laying on your stomach, your lovely, kissable back exposed before me, your hips raised to meet me. There is an echo of kissing down your back, an echo of taking your skin gently between my teeth. I am kneeling behind you, looking down at my naked legs, my panties damp with our mingled desire, my skin glistening with your juices. It is tattooed on my psyche, this one moment, you still bent before me, the evidence of passion pooling beneath us. This one image draws forth the feeling of my fingers deep inside you, calls out the sound of your cries, pulls at the utter feeling of pleasure in the moment. One tiny moment with you is so fraught with emotion, joy, passion, utter happiness. One tiny moment evokes so much. 

Saturday, January 5, 2013


I wrote this several days ago, and you seem so concerned that I didn't let you read it. So, I don't mind if you read it now. I had a bad night, and it went away. I'm all better, I promise:

I had time and privacy to write tonight, but instead of writing something for you, I poured my heart out for me. I filled my browser pages with conflicting thoughts and feelings and opinions. I got it all out but nothing feels any more clear. What is hardest for me now is keeping all this to myself. I need to pour it out, pour it everywhere and make a mess, but with someone to kneel in my puddles and hug me close and not mind getting wet. I need this to matter to someone else. Too far. Too deep. Too lost.

I said I would be strong. I said I could do it for both of us, and I will. But right now even the thought of pulling myself together for tomorrow is painful. This is what I do. I bleed and want others to see. I am embarrassed to leave myself so exposed, but I cannot hurt and bury it deep. I wish I could be the person you think you love. I wish I could smile and be optimistic full time, but sometimes I hurt and sometimes I'm messy. Do you love that too?

I just feel so flooded and I can't dam it up.
I will wake tomorrow and read this and won't be able to believe how dramatic it sounds, but now, in this moment I just hurt.

Tomorrow I will be okay.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013


"There are snowflakes on my tongue
I want to melt on your inner thigh."


"Kiss me where the flames turned blue."

I read her poetry and think of you.
"Kiss me where the flames turned blue." Kiss my hottest places. Warm even the coldest parts of me with your skin, your lips. Melt with me.

I wrote something for you back when we began, late August or so:

"More than anything I want to connect with you. I want to know what lights your fire. Maybe what makes you burn isn't at all close to what makes me burn. That's ok. Maybe I want to see your joy because you have a seemingly endless supply of composure. I just want an opportunity to see the real you. I don't want to see your restraint. I don't want to see that pain in your eyes, that downturn in your lips. I want to see the pure happiness and love in you that each and every soul is capable of showing forth. Forget "showing," I want to see it explode out of you."

Now I have seen you, and to see you is to love you. There is no way around it. Your happiness is stunning, and I simply cannot stop looking at you, touching you. I am still uncovering what feeds your flame, but I will do my best to keep you alight. I want you to burn like I burn...

...and burn I do. I am ablaze with your lips pressed to my lips, ignited by your ardency. My lust for you always simmers just beneath the skin, sparked merely by a knowing glance, sparked simply by the knowledge that you desire me. Where does your flame turn blue, baby? Where can I press my lips to bring you to your boiling point? I need your warmth to keep me going, beautiful.