Reality

I told you this morning that I spent the night with my arms wrapped around my pillow, remembering holding you just the day before. You pulled the covers aside, climbed into bed next to me, and rolled over so I could experience that beautiful thing all over again.

I struggle to express how blissful a feeling I felt, holding you. No, I never feel close enough to you either; never feel anything less than a desire, a need, an absolute yearning to have every inch of your skin pressed to mine. Laying naked beside you yesterday, my arm pressed close around your body, my legs crooked against yours...yes, that was bliss. I felt the heat of you against me, inhaled the scent of you, the warmth of you, in every breath. You relaxed against me and feel asleep, your breath becoming deeper and more rhythmic. Your slow breathing became quiet snoring, and even that was heavenly.

This simple act of falling asleep in my arms was a beautiful surrender, a yielding, an absolute trust. I ache for you in my arms again. I ache for the privilege of being your comfort while you sleep. I yearn to be next to you when you wake, to be the face you see, the lips you kiss, the body you hold so close.
So, tonight, I will dream my little dreams of you, knowing one day they will be our reality.

Woven

I am subject to a very queer feeling, now and again, especially lately. I wonder, do my constant daydreams of you strengthen this effect? Do my musings about our possible futures together cause these strange phantom sensations?

I told you about the other night; told you about waking and reaching for you. That still shakes me, as we've never spent the night together. My body shouldn't rightly have a memory of waking and reaching for you. I should not have had such a strong realization of you next to me, of your scent, of your warmth, of every indicator of the essence of you.

Today, fully awake and bustling around the kitchen, I had another illusion of you. I was making breakfast, listening to music, trying yet again to pull my too loose pajama pants back where they should be, and I reached for the refrigerator door. With my hand wrapped around the handle, I had this illusion, thought, memory, (memory?!) of you seated behind me at that fantastic expanse of marble island. An idea of you sitting and talking with me when I almost burnt the toast, while I let the pan get too hot to cook the eggs properly.

This has become a regular occurrence in the last few days. Engaged in ordinary, everyday tasks I have the feeling (and it is a feeling!) of you beside me, with me.

I have such a queer feeling that we were meant for each other. Don't scoff. I have the distinct feeling that you are tangled in every one of the possible futures life has laid out. Like you are a woven thread in the spiderweb roadmap of my existence. No matter the life choices I make, the life choices you make; I feel our threads are entangled, wrapped around each other, braided. Yes, braided. Two threads braided together only produce a stronger thread. Plucked individually we sound distinct notes, but woven together and plucked...the new vibrations are boundless.

I love the music we're making already.

Dreams

I have really very few requirements for our house. It can be older or newer, and decorated any way you like. I like your decorating style, and I will certainly add my own personal touches as we go. If you'd like a fixer upper, I'd be willing to help you do the work. There are few items where compromise cannot be accepted though.

Here is my list of demands:

Windows! We must have a ton of natural light! There is nothing like opening up a curtain to let the morning brighten a room, and it puts me in a fantastic mood. The cat likes it too. A couple of skylights or solar tubes wouldn't be remiss, but aren't necessary.

Bookshelves. Stand alone or built in, it doesn't really matter, but I don't live somewhere until my books have a home. There's something so delightful about having knowledge at your fingertips. I also have amazing images in mind of our children picking books off the shelves for us to read together...

Counter space. I need room to create! I want a kitchen coated with flour, and I need a work surface. There has to be space for cookies cooling, icing mixing, decorating, etc. I also need enough room for you, me, and two small children to exist in the same space without stepping on each other (well, not too much, at least).

Growing room. I want the option to garden. I don't have much experience, but growing my own tomatoes for the first time made my heart sing. I want to be able to plant things, and I want our children thoroughly coated in dirt.

Those are the terms. I know it's an extensive list, but each item is required by the deadline or I will be forced to start taking hostages. (Don't tell, but the deadline is negotiable!) I expect full compliance.

We're building dreams together here sweetheart.

O! That Gnome...

I wouldn't have it any other way. I know right now is a struggle, and there are many many things for both of us to overcome, but each and every one of those things contains a lesson and at the end...at the end, if everything goes right, we will be together.

I know it seems silly, and I don't share this easily, but I have a set of "oracle" cards. I guess they are similar to tarot cards. They are leftover from my tattoo days, and I hang on to them because the artwork is beautiful. I do not for a second believe, as the author would suggest, that the spirit of fairy imbues these cards with significance, or that they could foretell a future. I do, however, use them as a source of introspection and I love them for their beauty and their positive message. It is so easy to look at these cards, to read their meanings, and to find what you feel within.

Silly or not, I drew a few cards the other day, needing a positive message. The first card was a card of initiation. The card carries the message that significant change and challenge are occurring in our lives, that the change has been coming for some time. It is a card of action, of responsibility, of initiation through testing limits. I feel tested, and I have no doubt there will be more to come...but it's a challenge I am more than willing and ready to accept.

The second card was a card of healing, and the third card was a card of auspicious beginnings...a card of growth. This last card is a beautiful image of a happy child, and it's meaning is all joy, hope and happiness. Something new and beautiful is growing, and it needs to be tended carefully. It is a card of dreams becoming reality.

Do you see how these beautiful concepts are so alluring?

Also drawn were a card about the "oughts" and "shoulds," and then my personal favorite....a card of creative chaos and breaking habits. This last card, a mischievous little gnome figure, is full of (reasonable) risk, finding opportunity in the unexpected, and thinking new thoughts--and having a blast while doing it.

When, not if

Today you stopped me in my tracks. Today you said something I didn't expect, but have been desperately hoping to hear fall from your lips. You said "when."  I am slightly ashamed that I do not remember the end of your sentence, but I got the gist.

A couple of times previously you have uttered a statement that gave me pause for thought. Each time, I didn't read too much into it, because it could have been a slip, but baby, your slips are so telling.

I didn't tell you, never mentioned, but at one point, before we confessed our feelings to each other you told me, "I lover you." You said it just the way I've heard you say it to a friend of yours, and when I asked you what you said (as my mind hadn't caught up to my ears!), you covered it up. So telling. My heart soared then, and it soars now.

You said, "I can't wait for the day when..." and it ended with something very similar to, something very much like "when I don't have to miss you anymore," or "when I don't have to hide my love for you." Damn my memory for losing what you said, but my mind heard "when." I am taking the liberty to interpret that how I wish, and I don't believe my interpretation is wrong.

You should know, I am using you. I am using this wonderful feeling, this perfect love, to motivate me to work harder to be the person I want to be, so I will be the person I should be WHEN I finally get the chance to be with you, as I should be. Together, as we should be. The clarity is amazing.

I have never, never, been so sure of myself. I have never experienced this absolute feeling of right. (I checked with myself first to make sure this is true.) I have never had such a spot on feeling of lucidity. I know exactly what I want, and I know it will come. I have not a single doubt. Can you imagine that feeling? I hope so. Not a single doubt. Not one iota of worry, not a smidgen of hesitation, no misgivings. I know, emphatically know what should be, and if there is anything close to justice in this world, it will be. Sweetheart, it's a clear day and I can see for miles. Can you see?