Heavy

I wrote this several days ago, and you seem so concerned that I didn't let you read it. So, I don't mind if you read it now. I had a bad night, and it went away. I'm all better, I promise:

I had time and privacy to write tonight, but instead of writing something for you, I poured my heart out for me. I filled my browser pages with conflicting thoughts and feelings and opinions. I got it all out but nothing feels any more clear. What is hardest for me now is keeping all this to myself. I need to pour it out, pour it everywhere and make a mess, but with someone to kneel in my puddles and hug me close and not mind getting wet. I need this to matter to someone else. Too far. Too deep. Too lost.

I said I would be strong. I said I could do it for both of us, and I will. But right now even the thought of pulling myself together for tomorrow is painful. This is what I do. I bleed and want others to see. I am embarrassed to leave myself so exposed, but I cannot hurt and bury it deep. I wish I could be the person you think you love. I wish I could smile and be optimistic full time, but sometimes I hurt and sometimes I'm messy. Do you love that too?

I just feel so flooded and I can't dam it up.
I will wake tomorrow and read this and won't be able to believe how dramatic it sounds, but now, in this moment I just hurt.

Tomorrow I will be okay.