Embracing

Buddhist philosophy teaches that the darkest parts of ourselves should be embraced. Even though some of our feelings, desires, and worries are black, deep, destructive, difficult parts of ourselves, they still exist as parts of ourselves. We should not war with ourselves. Because these dark parts exist within us, they should be embraced, loved and dealt with by employing the same compassion we should work to show even our worst enemies. We should be reminding ourselves, in the midst of each deep, dark pain, that this emotion will pass, and it is ok to feel it. It is not reality.

I have been experiencing many dark moments lately; so many, and so frequently that I have worried that they are permanent and have started to experience them as my reality. I have fought them. I have picked up every weapon I possess to ward them off. I forgot the weapon of compassion. I forgot acceptance and love. My fighting has been in vain. I am trying to offer up the best of me to envelope the worst. I hope it works.

One of the thoughts I rely on most to get me through is that this period in our lives, regardless of the fact that it seems to drag out endlessly, is actually just a blink of an eye in terms of our life together. I struggle to remember that this part in our life together is a legitimate part of our life together. This is not a time period to wait in hopes to eventually achieve our togetherness. We are together NOW. Yes, ideally, things would be different. Yes, sometimes it is difficult. Yes, sometimes the irrational part of my mind forces itself to the forefront and is difficult to dislodge.

I cannot control the past. I cannot control the future. I can merely control my actions and behaviors and thoughts now. The facts remain. I have never experienced a love like this love. Every difficult minute of this in between time is worth it, and not every minute is difficult. So many of my moments with you, although short-lived if judged by standards of time, are moments that shine on beyond their physical happening.

To see a world in a grain of sand,

and heaven in a wild flower,

to hold infinity in the palm of your hand,

and eternity in an hour.

-William Blake

Our moments are "eternity in an hour." Our moments are my heaven. We have so much to see, my love. We have our hopes and dreams, and we have the reality of how our hopes and dreams will actually come to fruition. Anything worth our dreaming is worth our working. We can do the hard stuff together. I am so delighted to have found you, and I just hope you'll stick around through the work to live out the dream. 

Sweet

I doubt you will find this as charming as I did, but your insecurity today warmed me to the core, and in turn washed away some of mine. Oh honey, you are so incredibly sweet. You know when I'm upset or pissed off and you really want to smile because you think my mannerisms are cute, but you hide it because you're afraid I might take off your head? That's about how I feel right now, like I should be hiding how sweet I thought it was that you worried about this dinner today.

It isn't that I find your concern amusing, and it isn't only that your worry is unfounded. What I find so darling is that I could tell something was bothering you a bit even though you were trying not to acknowledge it. What I find so darling is that you thought for a moment that I was being shady about my plans. I said today, and I'll say again, I am an open book to you. One of the most beautiful, enduring qualities we have together is the ability talk with each other without reservation. I can set aside my feelings to acknowledge yours, and you can do the same for me. This is our biggest triumph baby, our integral puzzle piece, the thing that will help us to stay together through all else.

You are always welcome to put into words what is on your mind. I will not think you silly. I will not judge you. I am your safe space. I am your acceptance. I am your love.

Our communication is what sets us apart. Our trust in each other, our openness, is what will prevent our bed from growing impossibly large. I know getting out what you needed to say wasn't easy, but I valued the faith in me you expressed by laying it out for me. Thank you.