Grounded

So much of my life revolves around my injured back. I began regularly incorporating several therapeutic yoga poses into my daily schedule, as well as a short meditation. The stretching took a ridiculous amount of pressure of off my back and I couldn't be happier to have avoided pain medication. When the pain starts to fade though, so too does the yoga and mediation practice. I have skipped practice more often than not this week, but getting back into it today is a step in the right direction.

Tomorrow I attend church for the first time in years. The church is unitarian, and very welcoming from what I have heard. I feel the need for some self-exploration. I feel the need connect to some higher power. I have had so much trouble with the traditional notions of God and Jesus, but I have so much respect for those who follow "the word" and love all equally. My trouble with God and Jesus stems from human hate. I know this new church does not preach hate, and I am looking forward to it a great deal.

I feel as if I am entering a new stage in my life; a more grounded stage, perhaps. I feel that the meditation and church service are connected. I feel better than I have in such a long time.

Conflict

I have had many misgivings about my decision to leave my current job. I got a clear signal though. I hurt my back again, doing something unavoidable in my current job. The pain is a healthy reminder to take it easy and take care of myself first. The next few days at work are likely to be stressful, painful, and all around difficult. Just more incentive to get working.

I feel like I am letting everyone down. I promised, by signing that contract, to be with the company for the next two years. I am only six months in and I am already backing out. I feel judged for it, probably rightly so. My friend's brother told me, "I'm too pure of heart too. You always want to make sure other people have what they need, but you need to make sure you are taking care of yourself first." I needed to hear that. It goes against my most basic instincts, but he is right.

Raw

Once more through another revolution, another rebellion. This time it will be my job. I have always made decisions suddenly and this one is no different. I am afraid of being without employment, but am excited for the next big thing. Here's to hoping.

One moment every day stops my heart. The waking moment, the moment between dreams and reality, the moment I think of you. I am happy now. I'm in a good place, but still you haunt me. I wake to thoughts of you, I wake to the ache of the pain I caused, I wake to regret. I wake to missing you. I want to ask, "Are you sure?" I almost text you the last time I was drunk. I almost asked, "Are you happy?" Just asking you that could cause pain, and so I didn't text. I'm only sad when I wake. I hope you are well. I wish for our mutual happiness.