Saturday, February 2, 2013

When, not if

Today you stopped me in my tracks. Today you said something I didn't expect, but have been desperately hoping to hear fall from your lips. You said "when."  I am slightly ashamed that I do not remember the end of your sentence, but I got the gist.

A couple of times previously you have uttered a statement that gave me pause for thought. Each time, I didn't read too much into it, because it could have been a slip, but baby, your slips are so telling.

I didn't tell you, never mentioned, but at one point, before we confessed our feelings to each other you told me, "I lover you." You said it just the way I've heard you say it to a friend of yours, and when I asked you what you said (as my mind hadn't caught up to my ears!), you covered it up. So telling. My heart soared then, and it soars now.

You said, "I can't wait for the day when..." and it ended with something very similar to, something very much like "when I don't have to miss you anymore," or "when I don't have to hide my love for you." Damn my memory for losing what you said, but my mind heard "when." I am taking the liberty to interpret that how I wish, and I don't believe my interpretation is wrong.

You should know, I am using you. I am using this wonderful feeling, this perfect love, to motivate me to work harder to be the person I want to be, so I will be the person I should be WHEN I finally get the chance to be with you, as I should be. Together, as we should be. The clarity is amazing.

I have never, never, been so sure of myself. I have never experienced this absolute feeling of right. (I checked with myself first to make sure this is true.) I have never had such a spot on feeling of lucidity. I know exactly what I want, and I know it will come. I have not a single doubt. Can you imagine that feeling? I hope so. Not a single doubt. Not one iota of worry, not a smidgen of hesitation, no misgivings. I know, emphatically know what should be, and if there is anything close to justice in this world, it will be. Sweetheart, it's a clear day and I can see for miles. Can you see?

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