Forthright

Love, love, love.

This morning I let out a pain I had been holding heavy in my heart and I bled it all out for you. I was worried about speaking those words aloud, afraid they would upset you. Do you know how wonderful you are? Do you know how touching it is when you remind me that our policy is forthright honesty regardless of how painful expressing it might be, regardless how painful receiving it may be?

Often you've made statements that bring joy to my heart, but some of my favorite things have been words from your mouth during tough times. You remind me that we will do the hard work together. You remind me that we will be honest about everything, despite the possibility of hurt feelings. You remind me that you are my partner in all things. It is so easy to love you in happy times baby. It's so easy to love you with that twinkle in your eye and the smile on your face. What is so much better is that my love for you only grows when we face hard things, when we face those negative emotions. When we have any little struggle, you remind me, "we are still learning each other," or "now we know for next time." The understanding behind these words is clear: we will work to take care of each other, regardless the circumstance. We will be by each other's side.

Our relationship will change and grow. Change is inevitable. Gradually, we will become used to each other. Gradually the newness will fade, but underneath the excitement for the new lies an already stable base of affection, love, and respect. I am so lucky.

Intense

You seemed so concerned today, when after you rocked my body with another soul-wrenching orgasm, I cried. Yes, when the orgasms are particularly good, when you tease and persuade and work my body to a slow-building torturous peak, I cry. Each second of your intense ministrations ratchets my emotions up higher right along with my climax.

You joked and said we need to stop having sex, as it always seems to make me cry. I want to straighten out the negative perception you seem to have about this big emotional release. I hope it isn't a turn off to you, because honey, it means nothing but good things to me.

I can count on one hand the number of times a previous lover has worked me to the point that I climaxed and cried. During the short time you and I have been intimate I can tell you that you've given me cry-worthy orgasms more often than not, and it has certainly been more than that small handful.

What I feel in that moment, after you've built me up and up and up, shattered the ground beneath me, and caught me on the way down, is nothing but pure contentment. When I sob and want you close, when the tears flood my face, I am feeling no pain; just beauty. It seems almost as if I have years of anger, hurt and pain built up in my nerve endings, like I have some sort of cellular memory time capsule holding all the old injuries. When you touch me, I yield to you. I trust you so completely. Some of the things you've done to me are only things that had been done out of anger in my past. Some of the things we have done together are things I would never allow any (ANY!) other person do to me. With you, these things are as easy as breathing because I know every second we are intimate together is about love and trust and mutual pleasure.

So yes, when you build me to a peak, each exquisite sensation intensifies until I cannot contain the pleasure you are creating. It spills over and with it all those old memories, all that old pain is washed away. You make me feel safe. You make me feel loved as I have never been loved before. You let me know it is ok to let it all go, and so I cry, and you hold me while I put myself back together. Call it sexual healing if you will. I don't mind playing doctor ;).

Beautiful

This morning you gave my body the attention it so desperately craves, but instead of soothing my yearning for you, you inflamed it. I woke with a roaring need to have your beautiful face again between my thighs. I need your fingers gently teasing, and then buried deep. I need your bewitching kisses. Even bending over the bathroom counter to better apply my makeup brought echoes of you behind me, working your hand into me. I ache for your touch. I ache to let you possess me.

I delight in your body's response to me. It drives me wild that pleasing me causes you to be so wet and ready. The brief touch I got of you was not enough. The pressing urge was to push you against the door, loosen your belt, and continue pushing my fingers into you until we both were covered in your juices.

Do you know how absolutely, undeniably sexy it is when you come in a wet, hot gush against me? Every time you do I feel a perfect shock of pleasure, every time you do I just want one more.
I remember back to when you first allowed me to touch you. You seemed so concerned that I would reject you, that I would find you unattractive in some way. You still hide from harsh light, still hurry to cover yourself. One day you will understand how attractive you are to me. One day you will see how I worship every inch of your body because it's you, because you are beautiful.

Our desire for each other, our inimitable chemistry, is just one tiny drop of why we are perfect for each other, but right now my body is craving your perfect touch.

Focus

My sister recently said of me, "she spends her days mindfully." I puzzled over what she meant briefly, but then understood. Yesterday, I was mindful of every second. Instead of dwelling on a somewhat painful past, instead of building anxiety about possible outcomes for the future, I am focused on "here," on "now." You sharpen my focus, almost painfully so.

So yes, yesterday, I was mindful. I was aware of every scent and taste and word and smile and gesture and feeling of warmth. Every fleeting second is an indelible memory. I've recorded the feel of your back beneath my kneading hands, the faint scent of the lotion used on your skin, the gentle murmurs you make when the rub down feels particularly good. I am mindful of your presence.

Popping popcorn in your kitchen, minding the pan so the kernels wouldn't burn, I was nonetheless completely aware of you. Aware of the delicious heat emanating from you, aware of the love I felt between us, aware that at any point you were within my reach.

When I am with you, I live those moments. I am so wrapped up in the feel of us together, the rest of the world cannot intrude. If two people were meant to be, it's us, sweetheart.

Reality

I told you this morning that I spent the night with my arms wrapped around my pillow, remembering holding you just the day before. You pulled the covers aside, climbed into bed next to me, and rolled over so I could experience that beautiful thing all over again.

I struggle to express how blissful a feeling I felt, holding you. No, I never feel close enough to you either; never feel anything less than a desire, a need, an absolute yearning to have every inch of your skin pressed to mine. Laying naked beside you yesterday, my arm pressed close around your body, my legs crooked against yours...yes, that was bliss. I felt the heat of you against me, inhaled the scent of you, the warmth of you, in every breath. You relaxed against me and feel asleep, your breath becoming deeper and more rhythmic. Your slow breathing became quiet snoring, and even that was heavenly.

This simple act of falling asleep in my arms was a beautiful surrender, a yielding, an absolute trust. I ache for you in my arms again. I ache for the privilege of being your comfort while you sleep. I yearn to be next to you when you wake, to be the face you see, the lips you kiss, the body you hold so close.
So, tonight, I will dream my little dreams of you, knowing one day they will be our reality.

Woven

I am subject to a very queer feeling, now and again, especially lately. I wonder, do my constant daydreams of you strengthen this effect? Do my musings about our possible futures together cause these strange phantom sensations?

I told you about the other night; told you about waking and reaching for you. That still shakes me, as we've never spent the night together. My body shouldn't rightly have a memory of waking and reaching for you. I should not have had such a strong realization of you next to me, of your scent, of your warmth, of every indicator of the essence of you.

Today, fully awake and bustling around the kitchen, I had another illusion of you. I was making breakfast, listening to music, trying yet again to pull my too loose pajama pants back where they should be, and I reached for the refrigerator door. With my hand wrapped around the handle, I had this illusion, thought, memory, (memory?!) of you seated behind me at that fantastic expanse of marble island. An idea of you sitting and talking with me when I almost burnt the toast, while I let the pan get too hot to cook the eggs properly.

This has become a regular occurrence in the last few days. Engaged in ordinary, everyday tasks I have the feeling (and it is a feeling!) of you beside me, with me.

I have such a queer feeling that we were meant for each other. Don't scoff. I have the distinct feeling that you are tangled in every one of the possible futures life has laid out. Like you are a woven thread in the spiderweb roadmap of my existence. No matter the life choices I make, the life choices you make; I feel our threads are entangled, wrapped around each other, braided. Yes, braided. Two threads braided together only produce a stronger thread. Plucked individually we sound distinct notes, but woven together and plucked...the new vibrations are boundless.

I love the music we're making already.

Dreams

I have really very few requirements for our house. It can be older or newer, and decorated any way you like. I like your decorating style, and I will certainly add my own personal touches as we go. If you'd like a fixer upper, I'd be willing to help you do the work. There are few items where compromise cannot be accepted though.

Here is my list of demands:

Windows! We must have a ton of natural light! There is nothing like opening up a curtain to let the morning brighten a room, and it puts me in a fantastic mood. The cat likes it too. A couple of skylights or solar tubes wouldn't be remiss, but aren't necessary.

Bookshelves. Stand alone or built in, it doesn't really matter, but I don't live somewhere until my books have a home. There's something so delightful about having knowledge at your fingertips. I also have amazing images in mind of our children picking books off the shelves for us to read together...

Counter space. I need room to create! I want a kitchen coated with flour, and I need a work surface. There has to be space for cookies cooling, icing mixing, decorating, etc. I also need enough room for you, me, and two small children to exist in the same space without stepping on each other (well, not too much, at least).

Growing room. I want the option to garden. I don't have much experience, but growing my own tomatoes for the first time made my heart sing. I want to be able to plant things, and I want our children thoroughly coated in dirt.

Those are the terms. I know it's an extensive list, but each item is required by the deadline or I will be forced to start taking hostages. (Don't tell, but the deadline is negotiable!) I expect full compliance.

We're building dreams together here sweetheart.