Embracing

Buddhist philosophy teaches that the darkest parts of ourselves should be embraced. Even though some of our feelings, desires, and worries are black, deep, destructive, difficult parts of ourselves, they still exist as parts of ourselves. We should not war with ourselves. Because these dark parts exist within us, they should be embraced, loved and dealt with by employing the same compassion we should work to show even our worst enemies. We should be reminding ourselves, in the midst of each deep, dark pain, that this emotion will pass, and it is ok to feel it. It is not reality.

I have been experiencing many dark moments lately; so many, and so frequently that I have worried that they are permanent and have started to experience them as my reality. I have fought them. I have picked up every weapon I possess to ward them off. I forgot the weapon of compassion. I forgot acceptance and love. My fighting has been in vain. I am trying to offer up the best of me to envelope the worst. I hope it works.

One of the thoughts I rely on most to get me through is that this period in our lives, regardless of the fact that it seems to drag out endlessly, is actually just a blink of an eye in terms of our life together. I struggle to remember that this part in our life together is a legitimate part of our life together. This is not a time period to wait in hopes to eventually achieve our togetherness. We are together NOW. Yes, ideally, things would be different. Yes, sometimes it is difficult. Yes, sometimes the irrational part of my mind forces itself to the forefront and is difficult to dislodge.

I cannot control the past. I cannot control the future. I can merely control my actions and behaviors and thoughts now. The facts remain. I have never experienced a love like this love. Every difficult minute of this in between time is worth it, and not every minute is difficult. So many of my moments with you, although short-lived if judged by standards of time, are moments that shine on beyond their physical happening.

To see a world in a grain of sand,

and heaven in a wild flower,

to hold infinity in the palm of your hand,

and eternity in an hour.

-William Blake

Our moments are "eternity in an hour." Our moments are my heaven. We have so much to see, my love. We have our hopes and dreams, and we have the reality of how our hopes and dreams will actually come to fruition. Anything worth our dreaming is worth our working. We can do the hard stuff together. I am so delighted to have found you, and I just hope you'll stick around through the work to live out the dream. 

Sweet

I doubt you will find this as charming as I did, but your insecurity today warmed me to the core, and in turn washed away some of mine. Oh honey, you are so incredibly sweet. You know when I'm upset or pissed off and you really want to smile because you think my mannerisms are cute, but you hide it because you're afraid I might take off your head? That's about how I feel right now, like I should be hiding how sweet I thought it was that you worried about this dinner today.

It isn't that I find your concern amusing, and it isn't only that your worry is unfounded. What I find so darling is that I could tell something was bothering you a bit even though you were trying not to acknowledge it. What I find so darling is that you thought for a moment that I was being shady about my plans. I said today, and I'll say again, I am an open book to you. One of the most beautiful, enduring qualities we have together is the ability talk with each other without reservation. I can set aside my feelings to acknowledge yours, and you can do the same for me. This is our biggest triumph baby, our integral puzzle piece, the thing that will help us to stay together through all else.

You are always welcome to put into words what is on your mind. I will not think you silly. I will not judge you. I am your safe space. I am your acceptance. I am your love.

Our communication is what sets us apart. Our trust in each other, our openness, is what will prevent our bed from growing impossibly large. I know getting out what you needed to say wasn't easy, but I valued the faith in me you expressed by laying it out for me. Thank you.

Easter

The book I am reading on Buddhist philosophy instructs that being fully present in the here and now leads to happiness. The book instructs the reader to let go of the past, and avoid dwelling on the future as there is so much to experience in every mindful moment. I generally agree with this advice, but right now, sitting in the backyard with the best kind of twilight glowing the trees, birds all atwitter, I cannot help but to think of the future.

I'm looking for hiding places for Easter eggs. Exposed places to tuck brightly colored eggs for eager baby hands to find, and slightly more challenging places for our little one that has already grown so much. A couple will be hidden really well, so we can play "hot and cold" to find them. I can just see our baby girl hauling around a stuffed bunny by its ear.

After we eat, we'll take a short walk or kick around a ball - anything to be out in this beautiful weather for just a little bit longer. Before too long it will be bedtime, time to wash up, time for a bedtime story with new stuffed bunnies and ducks tucked in the blankets with our children. A kiss for each baby, a kiss for the bunnies too, which I'm sure will make our babies giggle...

I can weave so very many stories of what our life will be like, and believing these futures to be true will make them happen. It isn't just magical thinking - reinforcing these goals keeps them present in our minds, makes us live in such a way that makes possible our dreams coming true. One of the things I look forward is looking back and comparing these blogs, when old, to our new, current life. What does our future hold?

We've already begun our journey. Sometimes I forget that and find it difficult to hold it present in my mind. Even the waiting and the hard bits we have to get through are part of our story, are part of our lives together. I value even this. I am grateful for even this.

Sustenance

You asked, "When are you going to write for me?" What you want baby, you get.

Do you know you deserve that kind of treatment? Do you know you deserve to have whatever it is you want? With all of the time you spend making sure others are taken care of, with all of the energy you pour out to ensure your job is done well, there is very little left over for you to draw upon to sustain yourself. 

Let me sustain you, my love. I feel an overwhelming need to care for you, to offer my support, to give you whatever it is you feel you need. I want to be there to kiss your eyes when you aren't feeling well, to rub your head when it aches, to be your rock when you need to vent out the frustrations of your day. 

I look forward to cooking for you, and although I will never look forward to laundry, I do like knowing that I can make it one less thing you have to worry about (most of the time). I am already thinking about the little things I can do to brighten your days when you need it most. I will care for you, my sweetheart, as I know you will care for me.

Continue

I am not looking forward to spending the next week without you. I am a grown woman. I am a strong, capable, self-sufficient woman. I find it absolutely ridiculous that I struggle with this so much, as "strong" as I am. Life will continue without you here, but I am still busily plotting activities for each of my days in hopes that these activities will be enough to distract me from your absence.

In reality, how often do I truly see you? Most mornings I do, with an occasional glance or quick conversation later in the day, so why should it matter so much? It's not as if we are awash in time together. Our brief moments of contact are sustaining, though, because even a glimpse of the love in your eyes buoys my heart for a few hours. All those old clichés hold true: your smile brightens my day, your kisses keep me going, etc. etc. Only, these things are true! I need you! This capable, self-sufficient woman needs you.

The beautiful thing is, I think you need me too. The strong, confident, capable woman YOU are needs me just as much as I need you.

In reality, we will be apart only a few days. We will survive the separation. We will call and text, and we will be all kinds of all over each other when our separation ends. We will be just that much more aware of what we have together. I will still miss your presence and cling so tightly to the little bits of you I have here now, but it will be alright.

You're going to be so busy, I know you're going to have a good time! You deserve it. You definitely do.


             

Forthright

Love, love, love.

This morning I let out a pain I had been holding heavy in my heart and I bled it all out for you. I was worried about speaking those words aloud, afraid they would upset you. Do you know how wonderful you are? Do you know how touching it is when you remind me that our policy is forthright honesty regardless of how painful expressing it might be, regardless how painful receiving it may be?

Often you've made statements that bring joy to my heart, but some of my favorite things have been words from your mouth during tough times. You remind me that we will do the hard work together. You remind me that we will be honest about everything, despite the possibility of hurt feelings. You remind me that you are my partner in all things. It is so easy to love you in happy times baby. It's so easy to love you with that twinkle in your eye and the smile on your face. What is so much better is that my love for you only grows when we face hard things, when we face those negative emotions. When we have any little struggle, you remind me, "we are still learning each other," or "now we know for next time." The understanding behind these words is clear: we will work to take care of each other, regardless the circumstance. We will be by each other's side.

Our relationship will change and grow. Change is inevitable. Gradually, we will become used to each other. Gradually the newness will fade, but underneath the excitement for the new lies an already stable base of affection, love, and respect. I am so lucky.

Intense

You seemed so concerned today, when after you rocked my body with another soul-wrenching orgasm, I cried. Yes, when the orgasms are particularly good, when you tease and persuade and work my body to a slow-building torturous peak, I cry. Each second of your intense ministrations ratchets my emotions up higher right along with my climax.

You joked and said we need to stop having sex, as it always seems to make me cry. I want to straighten out the negative perception you seem to have about this big emotional release. I hope it isn't a turn off to you, because honey, it means nothing but good things to me.

I can count on one hand the number of times a previous lover has worked me to the point that I climaxed and cried. During the short time you and I have been intimate I can tell you that you've given me cry-worthy orgasms more often than not, and it has certainly been more than that small handful.

What I feel in that moment, after you've built me up and up and up, shattered the ground beneath me, and caught me on the way down, is nothing but pure contentment. When I sob and want you close, when the tears flood my face, I am feeling no pain; just beauty. It seems almost as if I have years of anger, hurt and pain built up in my nerve endings, like I have some sort of cellular memory time capsule holding all the old injuries. When you touch me, I yield to you. I trust you so completely. Some of the things you've done to me are only things that had been done out of anger in my past. Some of the things we have done together are things I would never allow any (ANY!) other person do to me. With you, these things are as easy as breathing because I know every second we are intimate together is about love and trust and mutual pleasure.

So yes, when you build me to a peak, each exquisite sensation intensifies until I cannot contain the pleasure you are creating. It spills over and with it all those old memories, all that old pain is washed away. You make me feel safe. You make me feel loved as I have never been loved before. You let me know it is ok to let it all go, and so I cry, and you hold me while I put myself back together. Call it sexual healing if you will. I don't mind playing doctor ;).